


Zoological Curiosity

by HeartlessMemo



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bat squeaks, Blood Drinking, Crack, Cryptid Nandor, Cryptids, Ether Shenanigans, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Monster Fucker Memo, Monsters, Nonverbal Communication, Nonverbal Nandor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:55:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28019598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeartlessMemo/pseuds/HeartlessMemo
Summary: Guillermo wasn’t always attracted to Nandor. He first met the vampire after waking up in the human cell, unaware that he’d been kept as “leftovers” from a particularly successful hunt. At the time, Guillermo felt only fear and revulsion. Nandor didn’t look like Armand or Lestat. He was a far cry, even, from Count Orlok. If Guillermo had to describe him at all he’d go with… batty mothman. Or goth alien.Guillermo is a familiar to Cryptid Nandor. They go to the zoo together. Light angst and fluff ensues.
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless
Comments: 23
Kudos: 44





	Zoological Curiosity

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Interrobam](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Interrobam/gifts).



> Oh, hello. Welcome. I would like to give a special thanks to interrobam, whose glorious sketches of Cryptid Nandor inspired this fic. AND who came up with the title! AND who is just an all around very talented, creative, great lil cryptid.
> 
> I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> Ever and always kudos and comments will result in the author being very happy and, mayhaps, an ether communication from Nandor himself.

Guillermo always thought being a vampire’s familiar would be more sexy. He imagined serving crystal goblets of blood to his darkly handsome master, helping him dress for the evening’s hunt, serving him in the steaming hot bathing chamber afterwards… 

He never imagined it would be more like adopting a temperamental rescue dog. 

Nandor shrieked irritably as Guillermo walked toward him holding the heavy, voluminous cape in his hands. The sound was deafening and Guillermo cringed as it assaulted his ear drums. The vampire turned up his chin, shut his large, round eyes and squeaked in haughty disdain. 

“ _Nandor_ …” Guillermo drew out the last syllable of his master’s name, lowering his voice an octave. “Didn’t we talk about this last night?” 

The vampire’s eyelids cracked open and Guillermo was once again confronted with the eerie wall-to-wall black of Nandor’s enormous irises. It was sometimes difficult to tell if Nandor was looking _at_ Guillermo or _through_ him. And the communication barrier didn’t help things at all. Guillermo slipped his thumb and forefinger beneath the wire frame of his glasses, pinching the bridge of his nose and sighing in aggravation. Was he really going to suggest this again? Nandor hadn’t fed from him in _six months_ …

He took a steadying breath, let his hand fall back to his side, and addressed the surly vampire. “It might be easier to talk about this if you drank some of my blood...” He gestured to the exposed column of his throat.

Nandor erupted in an outraged hiss, flapping his massive, leathery wings and soaring up to the ceiling, where he hunkered down in a corner. He turned to watch Guillermo over his shoulder, as if he were afraid the human might somehow attack him with his own blood— load it into a Super Soaker and shoot it into Nandor’s unsuspecting mouth or something...

Well, now that _was_ an idea...

_Jesus Christ._ He needed a vacation.

Guillermo tried a new tact. He set down the cape, draping it’s long folds over the vampire’s massive wooden coffin. When he turned back to Nandor he held out his hands, palms up, in a peaceful, non-threatening display. 

“Alright, the cape can wait until we’re ready to leave. How about that?”

Nandor chirrupped cautiously in reply, skittering halfway down the wall and pausing to stare at him warily for a long minute before he descended the rest of the way. 

Guillermo bit back the instinct to praise his master with a tender “good boy” as he would an obedient pet. Instead he moved slowly over to the vanity and picked up a soft-bristled brush. “Would you like me to do your hair now, master?”

Nandor’s pleased, squeaking laugh brought a smile to Guillermo’s lips. The vampire hurried forward, looming over Guillermo for a brief moment before folding down onto the fur rug, facing away from him. He tipped his head back, showing off a cascade of long, soft brown hair. It was slightly tangled from his slumber. Guillermo gently combed his fingers through the strands to pry apart the knots before brushing it out. A low purr rumbled through Nandor’s chest at every soft tug of the brush.

This was Guillermo’s favorite task as a familiar. For the most part, Nandor’s inner self was a mystery to Guillermo. The vampire rarely bothered communicating with him except to express his desires or dissatisfaction. But this, at least, was something that he _knew_ the vampire enjoyed. And Guillermo liked it, too. Nandor’s body was all sharp lines, wicked claws, and cold skin, but his hair was downy soft. The color was a warm shade of chestnut with streaks of melted-caramel gold and icy silver. Once brushed, it flowed through Guillermo’s fingers in dark waves. He allowed his blunt nails to scratch over Nandor’s scalp and the vampire groaned low in his throat. Predictably, Guillermo felt a faint tug of arousal at the sound. He ignored it, praying that Nandor couldn’t sense how affected he was.

Guillermo wasn’t always attracted to Nandor. He first met the vampire after waking up in the human cell, unaware that he’d been kept as “leftovers” from a particularly successful hunt. At the time, Guillermo felt only fear and revulsion. Nandor didn’t look like Armand or Lestat. He was a far cry, even, from Count Orlok. If Guillermo had to describe him at all he’d go with… batty mothman. Or goth alien. 

But as time passed and their bond strengthened, Guillermo found himself drawn to the vampire’s handsome, rugged features: the strong, proud nose, the heavy brow and soft lips, the full beard. And, of course, his hair. Nandor’s hair seemed to be his strongest point of vanity. The vampire owned dozens of hair ribbons, oils, sprays, brushes and combs. All collected over the centuries and hoarded on his over-crowded vanity. Guillermo sometimes found himself wondering about the familiars who came before him. There was no way that Nandor could have used any of this stuff on his own. Instead of arms, the vampire was adorned with massive, spindly wings tipped with razor sharp claws. Good for flying and hunting, not so great for fine-motor functions.

“Your hair has a nice curl to it tonight, master,” Guillermo mused absently. The vampire cooed in response, reaching up and gently stroking the back of Guillermo’s pudgy hand with his deadly talon. Guillermo smiled, a shiver dancing down his spine. Despite his fearsome, terrifying aspect, Nandor could be achingly tender. “Which animal are you the most excited about seeing?” he asked, already knowing the answer. 

Nandor angled his head to watch Guillermo from the corner of his eye. He let out a conversational screech.

“The sloths?” 

Nandor nodded vigorously, clapping the tips of his wings together. A laugh bubbled up Guillermo’s throat and he felt affection bloom in his chest. With a small, final flourish he tied Nandor’s hair into a half-pony-tail, the gold satin ribbon complimenting his highlights beautifully.

“All done, master! And we can leave for the zoo as soon as you put on your cape.”

Nandor croaked indignantly but deigned to allow Guillermo to secure the cape around his neck, arranging the heavy fabric to hide Nandor’s folded wings.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Every summer the Staten Island Zoo hosted a night program, opening their gates after hours so visitors could enjoy the nocturnal animals as well as festival foods and music. Guillermo took Nandor with him on a whim during his first year as a familiar and the vampire was so enchanted that they returned every year thereafter. It was always a struggle to get Nandor to behave— keeping his wings hidden, preventing him from scenting and stalking the humans in the crowd— but it was worth it for Guillermo to see how happy the event made his master.

Nandor’s cape dragged on the ground as he rushed for the sloth enclosure. In his haste, the vampire levitated several inches off the ground, but luckily the darkness and his long garment mostly disguised the effect. Guillermo wasn’t fooling himself. Nandor had eyes like a deep sea fish and he was as tall as an NBA star. He drew attention despite Guillermo’s best efforts. But humans were compelled to explain away the fantastical, so as long as Nandor didn’t decide to suddenly take flight or attack a bystander they were fine.

Guillermo didn’t know what it was about sloths. With their beady eyes and long claws, they vaguely resembled Nandor— did this appeal to the vampire? Or was it their furry bodies and long limbs, like plushies come to life: huggable and sweet? Whatever it was, Nandor loved watching the sloths eat their leaves and apple slices, swinging languidly from the tree branches in their enclosure. He would spend all night standing by the little fence, periodically squealing in delight.

Guillermo stood at his side, closer than strictly necessary with his shoulder brushing against Nandor’s powerful bicep through the velvet cape. He’d grown bored with the sloths’ antics after the first fifteen minutes and had been amusing himself by people-watching, but now he turned his gaze on his master, looking up at his strong profile in wonder. Nandor’s eyes were narrowed in glee; his lips curled in an adorable smile. Guillermo could see the sharp points of his fangs denting into his lower lip and he was thrown viscerally back into the memory of the last time he’d felt those twin points on his skin.

  
  


It was half a year ago. Nandor needed to dictate a letter to an acquaintance in the old country and there was only one way to achieve this. Guillermo’s heart fluttered as he recalled the scene. Nandor had led him into the fancy room, gesturing with a meaningful look to the desk where he kept his papers, quills and ink pots. Guillermo’s breath immediately caught in his throat at the implication. 

Nandor sat down upon the chaise, drawing Guillermo into his lap and cradling him with his wings. He scratched gently at his familiar’s soft throat, struggling to slip his sharp claw under the collar of his shirt in order to pull it loose. Guillermo felt the fabric tear. Nandor bit his lip in an apologetic smile but Guillermo waved him off. 

His heart hammered in his chest and his hands trembled. He wasn’t afraid; he was elated. Nandor’s lips would touch his skin! His teeth would puncture Guillermo’s throat and his cold, wet tongue would lave at the wound. Guillermo knew from experience that Nandor’s bite didn’t hurt; it felt… exquisite. Like molten pleasure injected directly into his bloodstream. But more thrilling than the physical sensation was the sudden, aching intimacy of the ether bond with his master. For a few fleeting hours Guillermo would be able to hear Nandor speak.

“ _Hello, Guillermo_ ,” Nandor’s “voice” sounded from inside Guillermo’s head as soon as he took his first sip. Guillermo moaned in response, blushing furiously at his own reaction. He couldn’t help it, though. Nandor’s voice was rich and deep, but with a light-hearted lilt that pitched upward when he got excited. 

“Hi, master,” Guillermo answered out loud. He was never sure if this was strictly necessary, but it seemed polite. Nandor took another pull of his blood, letting his fangs sink deeper into the fleshy joining of Guillermo’s neck and shoulder. “That feels—” _Amazing. Incredible. Sexy._ Guillermo bit back the words, but Nandor probably felt them echoing around in his brain, anyway.

Nandor pulled back, lips stained a lurid, vicious red. “You will help me to be writing a letter now, Guillermo,” he stated as if he hadn’t just been giving his familiar some kind of blood-gasm. 

  
  


“YOU’RE _UGLY_!”

Guillermo snapped out of his reverie in time to stop Nandor from launching a twelve-year-old girl into the hyena pit. The child’s mouth was coated in snowcone syrup and twisted into a mean grin. “Ugly! Ugly! Ugly!” she shrieked, pointing and laughing at Nandor’s stricken face. Guillermo immediately inserted himself between them, hands placed steadily over Nandor’s chest. 

“You shouldn’t make fun of people who are different from you!” he hissed over his shoulder, urgently corralling Nandor away from the little twerp. 

It wasn’t until they’d reached the relative safety and distance of the sleepy Chimpanzee exhibit that Guillermo took in Nandor’s face. His lips were turned down in a sorrowful frown, his bearded chin wobbled dangerously. Tears glistened on his cheeks and he slammed his eyes shut in a feeble attempt to hide his emotions. A tiny, choked sob escaped his throat.

“Oh, master,” Guillermo soothed, reaching up and resting his hands on Nandor’s shoulders. Nandor parted his lips and hissed in angry, wounded pride. The sharp tip of one wing emerged from beneath his cape and he used it to bat harshly at Guillermo’s hands, but the familiar ignored him, stepping even closer and cautiously wrapping his arms around Nandor’s torso. “Don’t listen to that kid, master. You’re not ugly.”

Guillermo shut his eyes, pressing his chubby cheek against the rigid, lifeless expanse of Nandor’s chest. Nandor stood frozen and stiff for a few more seconds before finally relenting, tucking himself down around his familiar and dropping his claw onto the back of Guillermo’s head, delicately petting his soft curls.

“Do you want to go home, master?”

Nandor’s answering screech was miserable and resigned.

* * *

  
  


The bus ride home was blessedly uneventful. Guillermo tried to relish Nandor’s extra clinginess. The vampire curled up against his side, pillowing his head on Guillermo’s broad, softly-cushioned shoulder. Nandor draped his cape over them so that he could clutch at Guillermo’s plush belly without drawing attention to his inhuman talons. He buried his face in Guillermo’s neck, sniffling every few seconds. Guillermo let his cheek rest on the crown of Nandor’s head. He could smell the argan oil and rosewater he’d massaged into Nandor’s hair earlier that evening. The closeness was nice, but Nandor’s obvious misery dampened Guillermo’s ability to enjoy it. 

“Master,” Guillermo whispered, mindful of the other passengers on the bus. “I think…” He swallowed, gathering his courage. “I think you’re beautiful, Nandor. So very beautiful.”

Talons tightened their grip, digging almost painfully into Guillermo’s tender flesh. He winced but kept quiet, waiting for Nandor to respond. 

Nandor slowly raised his head to look up at Guillermo. His wide, onyx eyes reflected the fluorescent lighting overhead; tears dusted his lashes. He reached out and took Guillermo’s hand, bringing it to his mouth and nicking the pad of Guillermo’s index finger with his razor-sharp fang. Guillermo hissed in surprise, eyebrows shooting up into his hairline as Nandor took his finger into his mouth and suckled. In the next second words flowed into Guillermo’s mind, rich as melted chocolate.

“ _Thank you, my Guillermo._ ” Nandor released Guillermo’s finger with a reluctant little squeak. His tongue darted out to lick at the blood beading from the tiny wound. “ _I think you are very beautiful, too._ ”

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> The blood drinking/ether communication connection was also all due to Interrobam lol. This whole thing is Interrobam hours, tbh.


End file.
